January 2011
152 posts
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if I'm not careful
I will occasionally quote Joe Dirt. I’m not proud of this, by any means. It just happens. I blame repeated viewings on Comedy Central.
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to the joker outside the bathroom door
Hey, if you turn the knob one way and pull and then turn it the other way and pull harder and still nothing, chances are, the door is locked. Just an FYI.
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it's so hot
when my wife says, “I could eat this whole bag of Taco Doritos.”
Awww, yeah, honey. Right there with ya.
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overwhelmed
I was rushing around, trying to get out the door and to work on time. My six-year-old daughter was sitting on the couch, gazing out the window. She had the most serene, introspective look on her face. It made me stop what I was doing and focus on her. She turned toward me, a smile opening up across her face, and said, “I can’t wait for summer.” I smiled with her. So this was...
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Your Life in Just Six Words
SMITH magazine, an online community that “celebrates the joy of storytelling”, invited readers to submit six-word memoirs that describe their lives. I read this on ODB today and thought it sounded like an interesting exercise, so I gave it a try. “Some little spark will move you.”
I think this does the trick. (Look, even the description of my choice had six words.) I guess...
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couple things this morning
No matter how good looking you are, you might one day look like Val Kilmer looks now.
Wear good shoes every day, the kind you can run like hell in, because you never know when someone is going to start chasing you.
More later.
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my boss just handed me a Gillian Welch CD
today might be all right after all.
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lost a pussy, gained a weiner
Now being followed by a whole bunch of pictures of dogs. Cool.
http://dachshundhistory.tumblr.com/
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I was just unfollowed by a picture of a vagina
nice going, Tumblr. Keep sending those beastie thingies after all that sex spam. Keep a healthy level of nastiness on here, though. I’m a man, flesh and blood.
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Five negatives
I don’t have any tattoos. I won’t be your hog. I’ve never been to Spain (but I kinda like the music). I can’t get no satisfaction. That last one’s a double negative.
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mood: blinkery
Is that even a word? I don’t know. It’s how I feel, though, even at almost eleven o’clock. Still feeling off. Not quite awake. Blinkery.
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carriescott replied to your post: the night nurse walked in on me this morning
So her Christmas bonus is taken care of?
Now this made me laugh…
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I did something crazy
I changed my Tumblr background from the default color to a slightly more “me” hue, a Pisces-esque, rich blue-green, with a deeper note of purplish midnight sky. I immediately changed it back.
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the night nurse walked in on me this morning
while I was in the bathroom, feeling the effects of yesterday’s spicy chicken Thai chili salad. It could have been a lot worse; I could have been masturbating, as planned.
“Novelist time is reptile time; novelists tend to be ruminant and brooding,...”
– Michael Chabon (via azspot)
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in my office, we all suffer
from a serious lack of difference in personality. If we were the Smurfs, we’d all be Grouchy.
I kid. But I don’t. Seriously, even the perpetual laughers here house a heart of deep darkness. I blame winter. And stress. And people in general. And having to interact with them. How we manage to not kill each other while smiling will always remain a mystery to me.
That awkward moment when you name a file...
hatredbreed:
well shit
my life
Every. Day.
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I'm listed in Tumblweeds under music, humor, words
I’m listed in Tumblweeds, a user-generated community directory that rates Tumblr bloggers by their number of followers. Find me listed in #music, #humor, #words
Because I talk too much and take myself too seriously.
Out In The Woods, Up To No Good: Superhero Sex →
cleapow:
shiraselko:
hollidaydoc:
I’m curious. As an avid comic collector, I have always wondered which Superhero would you want to have sex with, and why?
For me, there can be only one.
Storm (Ororo) of the X-Men.
It’s a visceral thing.
How about you all?
SUPERMAN.
THE…
This is easy. Psylocke, from X-Men. She’s always been my favorite. But with her powers, I might not...
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Nose Hair Pull Always Leads to a Sneeze
First song on my as-yet-untitled debut album from my as-yet-unformed band, the Dead Ladybugs.
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I've had too much Mello Yello
(remember that stuff? It’s baaaack) and apparently there’s some kind of office law against my consumption of too much of it, or maybe it’s Mountain Dew, I don’t know, it really doesn’t matter. What matters is what all the sugar and caffeine did to my brain while I listened to a co-worker talk to a difficult customer about a product return. Her remarks sounded like she...
You know what?
You guys are awesome. Feelin’ the love.
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I think I'd pretty much eat barbecued anything...
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sometimes, when I'm just sitting there
staring off into space, not thinking about much, it occurs to me that Katie Holmes went and married Tom Cruise. I can only shake my head in disbelief.
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My younger brother is 6’5”. That’s pretty much all you need to know about my height. But I’m average, I guess. I think I used to be taller, but age and stress are taking me down a peg or two. My license says 5’9”, I’d say 5’8” with no shoes.
Wait, those are quote marks. Shit.
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Truthful Tuesday: by the numbers edition
I’ve worked at the same job for twelve years. I’ve owned five different vehicles in that time span. The portable CD player that I carried over to each and every one of those rides just died. This is the first time I’ve ever been without a CD player in my car. Which shouldn’t bother me, I know, because CDs are obsolete and I have an iPod and all that. But it does bother me....
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notvanessa replied to your post: thanks to this cold weather
Had some frozen hair myself yesterday, and my Forester did NOT want to move above 30 mph. I’m really not digging the winter lately.
And yet another reason why I dig Vanessa… my car, a Forester.
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thanks to this cold weather
My car won’t start. I think it needs a new battery. And my hair froze in a very unfortunate fashion. One of these things is slightly more important to me. I don’t usually like to bitch and moan about the cold, but dang, I might have to wear a hat all day.
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Dead Ladybugs
good band name. If I had a band, I’d go with that, I think. Unless it’s already taken. Still, good band name.
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we ran out of spoons
so this happened at breakfast.
Wife: Are you eating a bowl of cereal with a set of measuring spoons?
Me: No, I’m keeping my options open with a multi-headed utensil device.
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oh hell no
Now my wife is playing the Wii and her Mii avatar looks kinda like Sarah Palin. Oh, God, no, no, no…
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my daughter is playing a video game
and every time she messes up, she yells out “Dang it!” and she sounds exactly like Kip in Napoleon Dynamite when he backs over the Tupperware dish.
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maybe rockstars shouldn't get married
or any celebrities, really, because I think, when you’re contemplating your career path, and your choice could result in getting loads of ass in multiple cities around the world, which, let’s be honest, crosses everyone’s mind at some point, but is actually the reality for a select few, it might be better to be single.
Just a thought.
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Sunday morning, action/reaction
Last night, we went to my niece’s six birthday party. The evening soon devolved into me and my brother splitting a six-pack and taking turns finding songs from our youth on Grooveshark. It was a good party.
This morning, the girls wanted to watch a movie. I suggested Edward Scissorhands, and was shot down yet again for it being “too scary”, but they’re watching the...
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I must be doing it wrong
I never see dicks on my dash.
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that face you make
when you realize you’re never, ever gonna like that band someone thinks you’re gonna like, no matter how hard you try or how many times that band is recommended.
I’m making it now.
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I got up early for the first time in a long time. I slipped out of bed at 5:15, shortly after the automated phone call announced school was canceled. Quietly, I eased down the stairs. No noises, no kids, no nurses were there to disrupt the stillness of the morning. I didn’t make coffee. But I made a fire and stood in the window and looked outside. I watched as the lights of the passing...
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when you write
make me believe what you’re saying. If you believe it, chances are I will, too. Even if it’s bull. Sell me on your words, and I’ll take the trip with you.